Wednesday, November 22, 2006

in which I stumbled upon an interesting book and found out that I'm heading for hell

Of course there is no way to verify all the contents of this book. After all, only Jesus has ever come back from the dead and he couldn't have gone to hell could he?

I stumbled upon this title while looking for new fantasy titles on amazon. That should tell you something about the validity of this. It isn't exactly endorsed by the Vatican or anything so please don't take it seriously.

So what exactly is in this book? I can't tell you really since I haven't read it. Trust me, I want to read this book but my local library doesn't offer much choices when it comes to anything that's nonfiction and is gonna remotely undermine any popular religions, Muslim included. Illegal ebook channels are worse, they don't have anything that has anything to do with religion except some old essays from the 19th century. However, from what I can scrape off half-hearted reviews, this book is a collection of "facts" about hell from different religions.

So what's going down in hell? Nothing much really, just some presents for the bad kids. Some dismemberments, some snake pits (I'm just wondering, since they're inventing these up, couldn't they put a bit more imagination into it and make it dragon pits or dinosaur pits?), some huge warm boiling bathtub cauldron full of relaxing oil. No biggie.

And the presents are pretty specific to the type of bad kids too. For example, all the 7 deadly sins have customised punishments (source: Wikipedia).

Sin Punishment in Hell
Pride Broken on the Wheel.
Envy Placed in freezing water.
Wrath Dismembered Alive.
Sloth Thrown in Snake Pits.
Greed Put in pots of boiling oil.
Gluttony Forced to eat rats, toads, and snakes.
Lust Smothered in Fire and Brimstone.

Some of these punishments, may I say, are unjust. Take Gluttony for example, why would you want to punish someone who like to eat with more food? Don't you know that toads, rats and snakes are delicacies in some other cultures? Foreign cultures' delicacies all you can eat for free in hell? That is no punishment, the guy would be enjoying it. The just punishment, may I suggest, should be starving for all eternity. And what's with the punishment for wrath? Anyone who has reached hell, assuming there is such a place, is dead already. How can you dismember anyone alive when they're dead? Besides, when people are dead and their soul traveled to this supposedly parallel plane, they wouldn't have a body to be dismembered alive or dead. Stop contradicting and confusing yourself and while you're at it, make up you mind about hell too!

Worried about life after dead? Worried that you're heading for hell? Don't be because there is a simple pain-free test to determine your destination after life that you can take here. It's pain-free enough else I wouldn't be here to tell you about it would I? Seriously, there's been only 8 questions and with only that you can know if you're heading towards the light or eternal damnation. (If you ask me, that's too little information to damn anyone to anything.) Anyhow, I got through the questions easily enough until I reached this:

I was thinking 'holy shit, what's the first commandment again? it has something about me being banned from doing 10 somethings but I can remember what the heck they are' and then I saw that life-saving link. Now, I couldn't really determine if I've broken the rule about not talking about fight club, oops, I mean the rule about not worshiping any other god. Really, I didn't go and worship some other god. I just stop worshiping any god at all so technically I didn't break the first commandment right? Anyhow, I answered yes.

I bet you're all wanting to see my score so here it is:

Oh man, these guys aren't judgmental at all! So I just have to judge myself huh? Being the comedian that I am I clicked on innocent.

Was I saying something about not being judgmental? Remind me later about never count my chickens before they hatch! By the time I saw this I was thinking 'you judgmental bastard, can't you just come out and tell me I'll go to hell instead of asking me politely to click on the answer?'. Still being the comedian I clicked on heaven and got this:

These guys, apart from being judgmental, are actually funny! I was cracking myself up reading this. Does it concern me that I'm heading for a fictional plane of existence? Of course no.

By this time, I was reeealy scared out of my wits with the prospect of heading for hell, lots of sarcasm intended. So I wondered what would have been if I had clicked on 'guilty' instead of 'innocent' so many steps away? So I used the magic of the back button and find out this:

What?! No praise for choosing the correct answer? How about I answer correctly 2 times in a row?

Oh man, screw this, these people have no appreciation for my honesty. I've been answering all their ridiculous questions honestly and I still go to hell? I'm out of here.

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