Friday, January 05, 2007

Southern Fundamentalists to embrace local dykes??

Aren't you at least a little bit curious about that? If you are read on or follow this link to the original site you'll know. Enjoy!

Spelling Mishap Causes Southern Fundamentalists to Embrace Local Dykes

by Suzanne Rush 06/21/2006

churchsignOKEECHOBEE, FLORIDA – With Alberto, the first named hurricane of 2006 bearing down on their town last week, parishioners at Okeechobee South Baptist Church began praying for the welfare of local dykes. This marks a turn-around for the fundamentalist congregation that, only last month, held a “Gay marriage will be legalized over my dead body” bake sale.

But Pastor John Hotchkiss claims his flock just misunderstood a recent sermon during which he asked them to pray for the wellbeing of the aging Herbert Hoover dike that holds back the waters of neighboring Lake Okeechobee.

“All I said, was that after what happened in Godless New Orleans, we needed to put in a good word with the Lord to ask that our dikes get special treatment from the government this year,” Hotchkiss explained. “But, I guess some people took my message the wrong way. Plus,” he added angrily, “that idiot Earl can’t spell to save his G*d#@mn*d life!”

Earl, South Baptist’s handyman, claims he ran out of vowels when putting up the church’s sermon marquee that week, and decided to make a quick substitution. “No one can take a joke around here,” the flamboyantly-dressed Earl responded when asked about the mix-up. “Hotchkiss didn’t think it was funny when I asked him to go away on a fishing trip with me last year, either.”

After the controversial address, South Baptist’s parishioners drove to the local lesbian bar and began a prayer vigil around the pool table. Bar owner Beth “Spike” Baldwin was initially alarmed to see the two-dozen fundamentalist Christians flooding into her establishment. “But after a few drinks, they turned out to be real nice folks,” she said. “Their needlepoint club is even going to make some sections for the AIDS quilt. Hey, better late than never.”

When told about the series of mistakes, Sally DeAngelis, South Baptist’s organist, admitted that initially she had been “pretty surprised” about the Pastor’s message. “I thought maybe Herbert Hoover dikes were like those Log Cabin guys. We’re all Republicans, right? But after he explained, I got to thinking that there must be a reason that hurricane season and Gay Pride month begin at the same time. After all, there are no random coincidences with God.”

DeAngelis now spearheads the church’s float committee, and will be riding on their entry in Okeechobee’s first Pride parade later this month.

“The float will be a giant, rainbow-hued, papier-mache dike and I’ll be riding it dressed in drag as the Little Dutch Boy,” she said, wagging her finger for emphasis. “I’ve even got the wooden shoes.”

Pastor Hotchkiss said he felt a bit defeated by the whole debacle, and would be preaching about something safe this coming Sunday — like why Jesus wants women to earn less money than men.

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